cardiac arrest. literally

I thought I had it all. I mean, it felt like I have everything, until it felt like I have nothing at all.
My whole life was going so well, I knew something bad was gonna happen. Still, I was just kidding and paying more attention with buses and crossing roads. Until they hit me; those words. “I fell in love with her” was nothing, compared to “are you insane? Of course I won’t go with you on holiday, what will my girlfriend say?” so I thought to myself: “it’s ok, he’s just kidding, we have something here. I don’t know what, but it’s something ours.” So I told him in an attempted joke: “ok, but that’s 4 months from now”. And he jumped right back at me with his forever charm, saying: “you bitch! Why don’t you want me to be with her for so long?”. And then I said something perfectly reasonable and lovely and became the best friend and confident again. But that was precisely when I drowned. As I swallowed his words like water, and lost my breath while speaking, my heart stopped beating.

love, sex and misfortune

Quote of the day: “I don’t have anything, if I don’t have you” – Axel Rose

How is it when you feel you have everything, but in fact you have nothing at all?

You are empty and miserable if you don’t have the one you care for next to you. You can have all material things you desired, you can be loved and appreciated by friends, your family may be caring, and your job may be great, but, if you don’t have your beloved to share all that with, you will be ungrateful and deserted.

Which is completely stupid, if you ask me. Why are made incomplete? Why do we need someone to fill a gap in our perfect lives? Why can’t we live alone and simple for all our lives?
“because no one wants to be alone” – such a cliché, it makes me wonder if there wasn’t a middle aged, almost bald and fat, lonely and disgusting woman that actually came up with this idea. People want to be alone, they just need someone by their side from time to time. Not the other way around like everybody claims. That’s wrong.

And let’s not misinterpret sex, with love. Because there is one thing to have wild, sweaty, unforgettable sex with someone, and other to have a relationship based on trust, communication and sex with someone. And it seems easier to just have the sex, so why stand up for the one you care for and take the risk of telling them it could be more when you can just lay back and enjoy it (if you know what I mean)?

I close my pleading.

St. Nicholas Day

Well, I don't even know where to start.
I want to remember the only Niclas in my life who made my last year's summer amazing.
Then I want to say happy birthday to my tesoro, Carla. I wish you all the best.
(This feels like thanksgiving, so I should proceed.)
I want to thank my parents for giving me sweets and money for sneakers, in St. Nicholas’ name.
Nevertheless, I want to thank my friend, Kate, for changing my elevating after talking to her.
Moreover, I want to thank my dog for still being here with me after all he’s been through.
I want to express my appreciation and love to all my friends that call me to check on me and see how I’ve been doing.
I’m having a really good day, I’ve already watched 2 versions of A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens and I think I can bear another one.
I still have to put all these clothes in the drawer and read something for school.
There are a lot of things pressing my chest and I fear of a lot more.
But still, I am feeling great.
I think I’m expecting a nervous breakdown.

Long time, no see...

i just remembered i have a blog!!! what a wonderful feeling, but jeez i haven't written since spring and there are so many things that happened to me during summer and autumn and my TOEFL and boys and school.....

but i will not go back to that, i'll just leave place for imagination :)) i'll just start from where i am right now: in my room, on the floor staring at a picture of a man that changed my life. i don't know him, i just have his picture from national geographic magazine. he's the image in my head (and now on my closet door) for "never forget what's really important".

because every day i am surrounded and ever overwhelmed by actions, people and things that someone like my man on the closet door would never encounter and have to deal with. so i'm just trying to reduce everything to the simple way of it's existance. that's something like an experiment for myself, a treatment for my spirit to learn how to appreciate small things <3

long story short, my professional, social and love life turned out to be a total mess and i licked my wounds for too much time. it's time to put them straight

words can mean nothing and everything

i just read this amazing post of a girl that wrote her favorite lyrics from various songs and i just loved the idea so i stole it. so let's see:

"you ask for me to enter, but then you make me crawl, no i can't keep holding on" (one - mary j blige feat u2)

"it's true, we make a better day, just you and me" (we are the world - mj)

"some things are meant to be" (can't help falling in love - elvis presley)

"love is right and never wrong, we give it all for love" (all to love - clone soundtrack)

"we can't go on together with suspicious minds" - (elvis presley - suspicious minds)

"and the wonder of it all is that you just don't realize how much i love you" - (eric clapton - wonderful tonight)

"i've got to know is this this the end cuz i've lost everything, don't have no brain" (ain't no use crying - livin blues)

"you know the night time is the right time to be with the one you love" - (night time is the right time - creedence clearwater revival)

"time goes by so slowly, and time can do so much" - (unchained melody - righteous brothers)

"if your baby leaves you and you have a tale to tell just take a walk down to heartbreak hotel" - (heartbreak hotel - elvis presley)

"the way he moved, it was a sin, so sweet and true" (black velvet - alannah myles)

"imagine all the people living for today" (imagine - john lennon)

"i don't have anything since i don't have you" (since i don't have you - guns and roses)

"whatever happened to the fairness in equality" (where is the love - black eyed peas)

"girl, I can thrill you more than any ghost would ever dare try" (thriller - mj)

"i'm the heat inside when rhythm and love collide" (represent cuba - orishas)

"i believe we fear what we don't know" (universal prayer - jamelia)

"little lisa is only 9 years old, she tries to figure out why the world is so cold" (runaway love - mary j blige)

"loneliness, loneliness, it's such a waste of time" (cry to me - solomon burke)


these are just some of the lyrics that had a great impact on me over the years. feel free to add some

Lepsulet
Posted in Uncategorized on June 29, 2009 by floaredecolt, furat de mine:

1. Luaţi cartea cea mai la îndemână, deschideţi la pagina 18 şi scrieţi aici al patrulea rând:
"Dupa ce iesiram, ii spusei: Ia seama, zic, sa nu cumva sa-ti intre" - Idiotul de Dostoievski

2. Fără să verificaţi cât e ora?

11:40

3. Verificaţi!

11:53

4. Cum sunteţi îmbrăcat?

pantaloni de trening gri si tricou salvati copiii

5. Înainte de a răspunde la acest chestionar, la ce vă uitaţi?
la ultimele postari de pe diverse bloguri

6. Ce zgomot auziţi în afara celui al calculatorului?
the old pair of jeans - fatboy slim

7. Când aţi ieşit ultima dată şi ce aţi făcut cu ocazia respectivă?

la 8 si un pic, am fost la arcade pe lipscani

8. Ce aţi visat ieri noapte?

nu-mi aduc aminte

9. Când aţi râs ultima data?

la terasa

10. Ce aveţi pe pereţii încăperii unde sunteţi?

multe...avizier, post-it-uri, poze cu copii, biblioteca, poster cu havana lounge, oglinda, poster gigant cu south park, 3 poze cu cani de cafea si casete, poster cu festivalul pittis, 2 foi de agenda cu cuvinte fara sens. repet, multe ;)

11. Dacă aţi deveni multimilionar peste noapte, care ar fi primul lucru pe care l-aţi cumpăra?

un bilet de avion pentru taj mahal

12. Care este ultimul film pe care l-aţi văzut?

definetely, maybe

13. Aţi văzut ceva neobişnuit azi?

un tip cu un breton ciudat

14. Ce părere aveţi despre acest chestionar?

e diferit de clasicele lepse :>

15. Spuneţi-ne ceva ce nu ştim încă?

vreau sa ma convertesc; sau macar sa-mi gasesc ceva in care sa cred

16. Care ar fi prenumele copilului dvs. dacă ar fi vorba de o fetiţă?

Priscilla

17. Şi dacă ar fi vorba de un băiat?

Liviu

18. V-ati gândit deja să locuiţi în străinătate?

da, de ceva vreme

19. Ce aţi dori ca Dumnezeu să vă spună când intraţi pe porţile Raiului?

"ti-am zis eu!"

20. Dacă aţi putea schimba ceva în lume (în afară de politică), ce aţi schimba?

africa

21. Vă place să dansaţi?

ador

22. George Bush?

nu-mi place, dar nici nu-mi displace

23. Care a fost ultima chestie pe care aţi văzut-o la televizor?

"date my mom" parca, oricum spalare totala de creier

i like...

-summer plans
-hot coffee on the way to school
-tried and true friends
-red wine
-taking pictures
-traveling
-being in love
-writing
-history
-children
-really good music
-driving
-shoes
-the unmistakable taste of tequila

wrong approach

I have done a lot of bad things in my life. I’ve cheated, I've lied, I’ve made a fool out of myself and others, but not until now have I realized that’s the only way to be remembered in a way. I’ve always lived with the impression that I have to do something to change our living world, and I always thought of that "something" to be a nice gesture, something that’s good and inspiring for the human kind. But now it all makes sense. There aren’t a lot of positive grand gestures in history. I mean everybody knows about the two WWs, the holocaust, the nuclear explosions and the latest theaters are the pollution and global warming. How many people know about peace agreements and that in each and every one of them there are articles regarding children’s education and that usually those are never fulfilled? How many people know about the critical situation in Africa where children die of pneumonia - which I had had three times -, filthy water, or even worse - hunger? Can you imagine how it feels to actually die because of starvation? To die tortured because your body is too weak to even try and survive? Well, this happens to children that haven’t even turned 6 yet. When you see or hear about something like that it makes you question God and how can he allow all this suffering in the world. At least, that’s how it made me feel some time ago. Now, I just think it’s not his job to save them from above, but ours to do it from right here. This doesn’t mean I don’t question him harshly about lots of things, but one thing he’s done rightly is the PR. we all know about what’s happening around us. No one can say he’s never heard of such poverty and sickness, but why do we do nothing? How selfish can anyone be not to care about anything but his own well being? I’ve heard lots of people saying "we have to deal with the children in our area first, but god damn it, who helps the far away ones? I don’t know why I’m so close tight to God tonight, but now I’m beginning to understand his idea of Noe and his arch. Only now there are people to be saved or drowned. But then again, who is really entitled to do the choosing? Are we ever gonna change the world by many small gestures that belong to many many men? Or do we need a power from above to drawn us all and start over?

a chance to live

it`s 2:40 in the morning and i can`t sleep. it`s something on my mind. a man actually, but not that kind of a man that doesn`t call or makes me wonder shit about him. it`s about a great man. you see, for the past few months we`ve been raising money at school for this girl that needs a brain surgery and her operation is scheduled for april 27th. at first, i thought we could never raise 25 ooo euros, but now this feeling seems so far away. not only we did that, but today we`ve been to the mayor`s office and he, without even pausing for a gasp, gave us another 5000. like i was asking him to pass the salt. i didn`t realise it back then, but now i see that these gestures come only with great men. it doesn`t matter if you come from a wealthy family, or if you had the best education in the world, for people in need, it only matters how big your heart really is. he could have made us stalk him, or made our efforts worth the money, but he just thought, for a second only, of the poor girl and said: "come tomorrow for the money". and that was it. and now i wonder, what really takes to be that kind of person? not to think of what else you could have done with the money or is this girl really worth my money? just to give it away hoping that you can improve someone else`s life. and damn straight he did. she`s gonna be just fine. the procedure will go perfectly well, and the recovery will be easy and complete and this girl will have another chance to live. amazing.

Startovers

Yesterday I got to thinking about startovers. What actually is a start over? People call it a new beginning, a new way of starting your life usually after something has happened that influenced your living in a way. So what happens to the past? Is our life like a written diary? And if so, can we rip the pages and erase the past?

I believe in starting your life again, but I don’t believe in changing who you are. People never change. Even though a part of them changes, it can be the looks of the spirit, but deep down you are and always be who you’ve ever been. People can start doing different things, can change their lifestyle, their friends and habits, people can detoxify, but what I mean is that you can’t become a whole different person over night.

We are tied down to so many things we don’t even realize.

I personally thought I’m not tied to anything until so little time ago. I had this plan of going to UCU and everything seemed so right until all this thoughts came through my mind some night while I was talking to S. and then I realized it all made sense. All that L. said about us starting that dancing club together and me staying in the city for the next couple of years. That’s practically starting a life together. I don’t know what I want to do. I want to study law so much, but also dancing has always meant so much for me. Now I feel like it’s all falling apart…

I wish I could stick to my decisions, but most of the times I change my mind. Not in all matters, but in some I do. And I just want to be sure I’m making the right ones once in a while. But then, can you ever know you made the right decision? Everything is considered to be right, until proven wrong. But then again, how can you always tell the difference between right and wrong? And most important: do you always have to do what’s right?

the longest tag

My ABC’s…

A

- Available: for now

- Age: 17

- Annoyance: judgmental people, hypocrisy

- Allergic: histamine

- Animal: definitely dog

- Actor: Al Pacino

B

- Beer: Salitos

- Birthday/Birthplace: February 15th, Bucharest

- Best Friends: Cat, Sim, Sal, Ane, Liviu, Paul

- Body Part on opposite sex: ass, eyes

- Best feeling in the world: flying

- Blind or Deaf: none. i couldn’t choose

- Best weather: warm, but cloudy

- Been in Love: every time

- Been bitched out?: hell yeah

- Been on stage?: breathtaking

- Believe in yourself?:  I do

- Believe in life on other planets: why not?

- Believe in miracles: in other people lives

- Believe in Magic: there’s magic in everything

- Believe in God: don’t really know now

- Believe in Satan: not really

- Believe in Santa: i believe in Christmas

- Believe in Ghosts/spirits: too much believing. no

- Believe in Evolution: yes, i do 

C

- Car: Ford Mustang Shelby

- Candy: I’m a candy gal

- Color: green

- Cried in school: today :P

- Chocolate/Vanilla: vanilla chocolate

- Chinese/Mexican: Mexican

- Cake or pie: apple pie

- Countries to visit: don’t have enough space here. I should say...the whole world starting with Ireland, India, Norway, France, England and Africa....

D

- Day or Night: night or morning

- Dream vehicle: definitely Mustang Shelby

- Danced: all my life. Still do

- Dance in the rain?: actually, I did

- Dance in the middle of the street?: that was when I felt the rain on my body

- Do the splits?: I can still do it

E

- Eggs: scrambled

- Eyes: can tell you everything

- Everyone has: lied

- Ever failed a class?: so close

F

- First crush: kindergarden. he was blonde with blue eyes. we used to play mum and dad; i wonder how he looks now

- Full name: Raluca L Gabriela Popescu

- First thoughts waking up: I need coffee, is the water warm or will i shower with cold water again?, do I still have time to walk the dog?, what should I wear?, geez will I make it in time for school?

- Food: I like traditional food

G

- Greatest Fear: spiders

- Giver or taker: giver

- Goals: change something in this enormous world

- Gum: orbit white sweet mint

- Get along with your parents?: questionable, i try to most of the times. 

- Good luck charms: raluca necklace

H

- Hair Color: dark brown

- Height: 167 cm

- Happy: as long as I’m on coffee

- Holidays: unique, full of departures, arriving and clothes to wash in the night, time for experiences. 

- How do you want to die: of laughing

- Health freak?: I couldn’t. I might be falling apart because of all the practice. 

- Hate: don’t like to

I

(In guys/girls)

- Eye color: deep blue/green/brown/dark/grey (the accent in on deep)

- Hair Color: I used to like brunets, but after this summer in Stockholm...

- Height: I’m not sure if it’s a fetish or not, but most of my ex`s were shorter than me

- Clothing Style: can’t describe it. I think quality clothes

- Characteristics: funny, subtitle jokes, spontaneous

- Ice Cream: all over

- Instrument: M

J

- Jewelry: raluca necklace, earrings

- Job: event planner, book corrector

K

- Kids: check

- Kickboxing or karate: karate for 2 years

- Keep a journal?: used to. now I have the blog

L

- Longest Car Ride: don’t remember

- Love: true

- Letter: R

- Laughed so hard you cried: lots of times with this one person

- Love at first sight: once. don’t believe in it though

M

- Milk flavor: plain and chocolate

- Movie: scent of a woman, the notebook

- Mooned anyone?: nope

- Marriage: sounds exciting

- Motion sickness?: cheque

- McD’s or BK: it’s kind of the same for me

N

- Number of Siblings: "Zero,Nothing,Nada,Niente,Nicht,Nimic" [am pastrat asta, e prea tare]

- Number of Piercings: one.

- Number: 12

O

- Overused Phrases: “whoo-ha”, “k-ching”, “lasa, lasa”, “bine”, “ha”

- One wish: UN

- One phobia: spiders

P

- Place you’d like to live: Sweden

- Pepsi/Coke: coke 

Q

- Quail: nope

- Questionnaires: not really my type

R

- Reason to cry: nervous breakdown

- Reality T.V.: no

- Radio Station: no

- Roll your tongue in a circle?: I could do that

S

- Song: the night time is the right time - CCR

- Shoe size: 7

- Sushi: coming right up

- Skipped school: more than I should have

- Slept outside: in the countryside

- Seen a dead body?: it hurt

- Smoked?: for some time

- Skinny dipped?: hell yeah

- Shower daily?: twice

- Sing well?: I like to think that

- In the shower?: did too

- Swear?: I tended to a lot for some time

- Stuffed Animals?: no

- Single/Group dates: both

- Strawberries/Blueberries: blueberry

- Scientists need to invent: teleporter, machine to cure cancer

T

- Time for bed: inexistent

- Thunderstorms: perfect time to stay in bed

- Touch your tongue to your nose?: can’t

U

- Unpredictable: try to 

- Under the influence?: lately, yes

- Understanding?: as much as i can

V

- Vegetable you hate: green beans

- Vegetable you love: broccoli

- Vacation spot: the world

W

- Weakness: I’m easily hurt by words

- When you grow up: I’ll change the world

- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: don’t quite know

- Who makes you laugh the most: everyone, I’m easily amused

- Worst feeling: rejection

- Wanted to be a model?: couple years ago

- Where do we go when we die: heaven I suppose?

- Worst weather: excessive heat

- Walk with a book on your head?: did that too

X

- X-Rays: only when I need to be fixed

Y

-Year it is now: 2009

-Yellow: reminds me of someone

Z

- Zoo animal: zebra

- Zodiac sign: Aquarius

LAST PERSON WHO…

1. Slept in a bed beside you?: Liviu

2. Last person to see you cry?: Cat

3. Went to the movies with you?: Liviu

4. You went to the mall with?: Sally

5. You went to dinner with?: Simina

6. You talked to on the phone?: Dad

7. Made you laugh?: Cat

 

The longest tag I ever completed. Sending it to cat, Mihai, Fifi and whoever wants it too.

 

hope - a drug?

show us what they want us to see in them. i had this thoughts lately about this world that we`re living in. it`s full of ipocricy and everything seems so superficial. no one seems to show their feelings anymore, they all use a use a mask. it`s either they show us what we want to see, or they just so where`s the head to that? have we all lost our hopes and beliefs? are we really better off without some goal that no one thinks it`s reachable? i got to thinking: what`s the harm in believing? 

TAG: what do you believe in? 

st patrick`s day

everything seems so far away. vanished is not a synonim for lost.

*tag from cat

1. Yourself?  Spontaneous.

2. Your boyfriend? N/A right now.

3. Your hair? Long.

4. Your mother?  Funny.

5. Your father?  Sarcastic.

6. Your favourite item? Dance shoes.

7. Your dream last night?  Forgotten.

8. Your favourite drink? Margarita.

9. Your dream car? Mustang Shelby.

10. The room you’re in? Living room.

11. Your ex? closed chapter

12. Your fear? Having children with malformations.

13. What you want to be in 10 years? Jurist and dancer.

14. Who you hung out with last night? Best male friend and his friends.

15. What You’re Not? Fulfilled.

16. Muffins? yes, please.

17. One of Your Wish List Items? Venetian mask.

18. Time? night.

19. The Last Thing You Did?  drink wine.

20. What You Are Wearing?  training suit.

21. Your Favorite Weather?  Warm but cloudy.

22. Your Favorite Book?  poirot series.

23. The Last Thing You Ate? hamburger.

24. Your Life?  unpredictable.

25. Your Mood?  dizzy.

26. Your body? exhausted.

27. What are you thinking about right now? delivery guy.

28. Your car?  future car/dream car - mustang shelby.

29. What are you doing at the moment?  watching a movie.

30. Your summer?  amazing.greece.sweden.seaside.mountains.belgium.

31. What color are your underwear?  yellow.

32. What is the weather like?  lousy.

33. When is the last time you laughed? a few seconds ago.

34. What is on your tv?  old movie.