i am so fucked up. it`s like i can never be happy. why can`t i fall in love? why for God`s sake? it`s not like i can find a perfect guy every day. but i have to be soooo fucked up!! i hate X for making me love him so much. he was the one i ever loved and i would`ve given my alll to him. but he was a fool. and now i am the fool because i can`t fall in love. i wish i could. but this is the thing with love. it never comes after a while. either it`s there, either it`s not. i could say right now, that i wish i hadn`t met X, but the thing is...he helped me grow up. he helped me become who i am now. but he also made me do awful things. today i broke a heart and a half. and it wasn`t because of him. i can`t blame him. he represents my distant past. it`s because i`m so fucked up. i thought that i would feel better after i ended that. better as in not so guilty anymore. but i don`t. a piece of my heart broke today at noon. i gave it away. i hope for safe keeping. but the thing is, this time i have no way back. i can`t keep playing with feelings. i can`t mess around with people. i`m so fucked up. man, i would`ve been so happy. i just...i don`t have words to express what i feel now. this will hunt me a while. and it`s all my fault. so i blame me. cuz i`m so fucked up.