feelin like crap. i blew it.

i am so fucked up. it`s like i can never be happy. why can`t i fall in love? why for God`s sake? it`s not like i can find a perfect guy every day. but i have to be soooo fucked up!! i hate X for making me love him so much. he was the one i ever loved and i would`ve given my alll to him. but he was a fool. and now i am the fool because i can`t fall in love. i wish i could. but this is the thing with love. it never comes after a while. either it`s there, either it`s not. i could say right now, that i wish i hadn`t met X, but the thing is...he helped me grow up. he helped me become who i am now. but he also made me do awful things. today i broke a heart and a half. and it wasn`t because of him. i can`t blame him. he represents my distant past. it`s because i`m so fucked up. i thought that i would feel better after i ended that. better as in not so guilty anymore. but i don`t. a piece of my heart broke today at noon. i gave it away. i hope for safe keeping. but the thing is, this time i have no way back. i can`t keep playing with feelings. i can`t mess around with people. i`m so fucked up. man, i would`ve been so happy. i just...i don`t have words to express what i feel now. this will hunt me a while. and it`s all my fault. so i blame me. cuz i`m so fucked up.

i never thought i would do such a thing. i don`t think i can do this after all.

cheating

how can cheating be so hurtful? how is it that when your beloved one cheats on you you feel so empty and betrayed? what is love turning all of us into?  the act of cheating reffers mostly to having sex with someone other than your lover. but sometimes, it is also an expression for gealousy. you don`t really reffer to sex, but you think of another person for your lover. someone that could make him happy. maybe happier than you could make him. you kind of panic. and that is the proof that feeling scared usually makes you do stupid and irrational thing. so i`m thinking: is gealosy the reason for the other one to feel safe cheating? how do you feel when your lover sais he`s working late and you know he`s not, when he pretends to be in a place and he`s not? and you know that because you`ve been there. the moment you walk out that place where he was supposed to be, you keep asking yourself so many questions, you can`t even follow them in your head. everything is suddently so scary. and you can`t call your lover to come hold you, you try to smile but you are faking. you never thought he was the cheating type. but you can never know. i always said a man cheats if his woman couldn`t make him desire only her. but sometimes, women do make mistakes. they tend to freak out once in a while. at least that`s what i do. but i want to fix this, because i am not the only one in this position and i want to be able to write about not having any worries in the world. i want to think of cheating as something people do when not in love. and therefore, it couldn`t be called cheating. it`s not like i`ve been always faithfull, but not when i was in love. if you really love somone, you are not able to cheat. believe me, i`ve tried. i`ve tried to cheat so many times, and i couldn`t. i couldn`t even when i should have. [i can`t get a conclusion from this post]

PS: I love you...

I love to love. It`s such an amazing feeling to love something or someone no matter what. To know for sure  they will always be available for you.  It gives you a safety feeling and makes you want to stay close all the time.   I wish i could say this plain and simple but i can`t. Because love isn`t simple.  Actually, most of the times, it`s very complicated. So you can`t really say if love is a pleasant or an unpleasant feeling. Everyone gets hurt. It`s just a matter of time. And you usually get hurt because someone couldn`t love you. Someone couldn`t commit to what you wanted and give you their all. But what if you are that someone? What if you`re the one that can`t fall in love? What if you loved someone that much that you tend to compare everyone else with that person? Always have, always will. You don`t want to be the bad guy, you just want to be happy and live, love, laugh. But let`s face it. Love is never ever ever simple. And saying "i love you" always majes it harder. Because saying this feels awkward for the other one especially if you`re in an early stage in your relationship. You can`t say "i love you" just to make the other one feel good. You have to really mean it. And when I say "to love someone" i mean to give your all to that person. To feel like you live from the air they breathe, to choke when they hold breath and to be born again when you look them in the eyes. So basically, if you are the one saying it, you must mean it, that if you know what love really is. If you are the one receiving it, that can mean two things. One: you have never thought of this before and now you realise you don`t know why you haven`t said it first; or two: you are very well aware you haven`t said it yet and you have a good reason for that. Maybe you don`t love that someone. But maybe you do. Maybe you just don`t know what you feel and all that pressuring with "i love you" all the time isn`t helping. What i mean is that you can say "i love you" very easily, but the most difficult part is when you really mean it. And most of the times, the speach goes like this: "i love you", "i love you too". So, if you don`t feel like saying that yet you can`t really say "thanks" or "i`m charmed". The receiver always has the thougher part. That`s why you should be the one to say it first. 

älskar dig

the "dast" curse

this is one of my most miserable days, one of those days when nothing, but nothing at all goes the way you want it. i`m losing my minds. i need something, but i don`t know what. precisely 9 days ago i got scared i couldn`t do it, i couldn`t fall in love. that was my biggest fear since "dast". but even though it took me a while, i now know that i can stop fearing that. i feel like sharing something with someone. and i think i`ve found my someone. now i really want to see what that something is. the only question is: will i always have the "dast" curse in my heart?

*just for the record: it was that day*

now, someone told me once that there is no such a thing as a good day. there are only bad days with some good events. i thought the contrary. i thought there were only good days with bad happenings, but maybe he was true. today i woke up to go to school, but i was too sick to do that. so i stayed home. for breakfast i had some calcium, and two cigarettes. later on i had some coffee and some more medicines and then i took a nap. what a day. when i woke up i was feeling way much better so i took a walk with my dog and then i went to meet my dance partener. we had some (more) coffee, had a few smokes and then...practice. i almost fainted because i was still sick and he was very exhausted. the place we`re dancing right now is a very filthy, small and poky room somewhere at the basement of a school. then i realised. every single moment is unique. is not like i`m ever gonna experience that again, or i`m gonna feel that sick in that room. i realised i miss my lover. i realised that i`m happy. so we payed for 5 lessons for the weekend. i love what i`m living right now.

hoy es adios

i love santana. this song of his says something like ''Hoy es adios, Mańana quizás, Sé que tu vas a volver'' which means today is bye bye, tomorrow perhaps...i know you will come back to me''. and maybe perhaps...