cardiac arrest. literally

I thought I had it all. I mean, it felt like I have everything, until it felt like I have nothing at all.
My whole life was going so well, I knew something bad was gonna happen. Still, I was just kidding and paying more attention with buses and crossing roads. Until they hit me; those words. “I fell in love with her” was nothing, compared to “are you insane? Of course I won’t go with you on holiday, what will my girlfriend say?” so I thought to myself: “it’s ok, he’s just kidding, we have something here. I don’t know what, but it’s something ours.” So I told him in an attempted joke: “ok, but that’s 4 months from now”. And he jumped right back at me with his forever charm, saying: “you bitch! Why don’t you want me to be with her for so long?”. And then I said something perfectly reasonable and lovely and became the best friend and confident again. But that was precisely when I drowned. As I swallowed his words like water, and lost my breath while speaking, my heart stopped beating.

love, sex and misfortune

Quote of the day: “I don’t have anything, if I don’t have you” – Axel Rose

How is it when you feel you have everything, but in fact you have nothing at all?

You are empty and miserable if you don’t have the one you care for next to you. You can have all material things you desired, you can be loved and appreciated by friends, your family may be caring, and your job may be great, but, if you don’t have your beloved to share all that with, you will be ungrateful and deserted.

Which is completely stupid, if you ask me. Why are made incomplete? Why do we need someone to fill a gap in our perfect lives? Why can’t we live alone and simple for all our lives?
“because no one wants to be alone” – such a cliché, it makes me wonder if there wasn’t a middle aged, almost bald and fat, lonely and disgusting woman that actually came up with this idea. People want to be alone, they just need someone by their side from time to time. Not the other way around like everybody claims. That’s wrong.

And let’s not misinterpret sex, with love. Because there is one thing to have wild, sweaty, unforgettable sex with someone, and other to have a relationship based on trust, communication and sex with someone. And it seems easier to just have the sex, so why stand up for the one you care for and take the risk of telling them it could be more when you can just lay back and enjoy it (if you know what I mean)?

I close my pleading.

St. Nicholas Day

Well, I don't even know where to start.
I want to remember the only Niclas in my life who made my last year's summer amazing.
Then I want to say happy birthday to my tesoro, Carla. I wish you all the best.
(This feels like thanksgiving, so I should proceed.)
I want to thank my parents for giving me sweets and money for sneakers, in St. Nicholas’ name.
Nevertheless, I want to thank my friend, Kate, for changing my elevating after talking to her.
Moreover, I want to thank my dog for still being here with me after all he’s been through.
I want to express my appreciation and love to all my friends that call me to check on me and see how I’ve been doing.
I’m having a really good day, I’ve already watched 2 versions of A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens and I think I can bear another one.
I still have to put all these clothes in the drawer and read something for school.
There are a lot of things pressing my chest and I fear of a lot more.
But still, I am feeling great.
I think I’m expecting a nervous breakdown.