There is zero doubt in my mind, I was born to realise something extraordinary.

Up until this summer, I was convinced my fate was to change the world; through law, or voluntary work, or something along those lines. I have always assumed my contribution will be manifested through the prism of the United Nations; thus my greatest dream was to work for the United Nations.

Now, having worked for the UN, I doubt myself. Not because my views have ever so slightly changed about the majestic nature of the institution; that belief still runs through my veins.

It is me who changed.

Having met the one person who made me feel less isolated - perhaps I should explain...

Last summer I failed myself in a way I can never redress. I knew I was sinking, told everyone I was sinking, nobody believed me but one person. And this person still believed in me until the very last moment.

However, part of me felt it is ok to fail, perhaps solely to prove to everyone else I was correct. I was surrounded by the highest of expectations, which in fact, I build for myself. No one ever pressured me to be more than I can be, to achieve more than I could aspire to; I challenged myself to be that person. And when I felt tired, and I needed help, nobody offered their help because they all knew I could do it.

It infuriated me. And it also saddened me to the point of despair.

It was truly comforting to meet someone who made me feel less isolated in my thoughts, as if I was not alone against the world. From that point onwards, I began to wonder whether my destiny isn't to be somebody for someone.

Perhaps I was born to be somebody extraordinary to another human being.

What is the point of living if not establishing meaningful relationships with other human beings? Career is superfluous and has an ephemeral satisfaction to it.

I have the capacity to be the most driven person I know, but what's the point of it? I am interested in more basic things, with a greater fulfilment level than any job can ever offer. Others say I lowered my expectations, while I think they contrary.

Why would you seek anything else in life other than love?

Sure, love does not pay your bills or bring you status, but one cannot take fortune or titles to their grave. We are born and then we die; and life is nothing but the accumulation of memories.

Perhaps I am mistaken in my beliefs, but I want my memories to be shaped by people who have themselves shaped my life in a manner I could never truly repay them. I do not seek status, though I am driven towards establishing one.

New Year's Resolution

Yes, just one. 

I will not pretend that 2015 is an entirely different moment in time where I can simply decide what to let go of from 2014, and what to adopt for the next twelve months. What I will do however, is chose to become a stronger person.

In my pursuit of greatness, I simply must be more adequately prepared to face whatever challenges I encounter. I have been indulgent enough to allow myself some time to be at the bottom of the sea, but the time has come for me to swim again. 

I feel the gargantuan weight of an ultimatum. I have been walking along the blade of a knife for months now, waiting to fall; for the first time since then, I feel I can jump off safely and carry on walking on solid ground. 

Simultaneously, it feels I am on a train ride and my stop is coming up next: I need to get off, or I'm stuck on the train to wherever it will take me. But somehow, I am glued to the seat. 

The only thing holding me back is fear. Perhaps ordinary, but I do not fear the unknown; I fear those things I know the taste of. 

And then again, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. What hasn't poisoned me, can only taste sweeter with every bite. 

Decision making has been troublesome for me during this time, but the one thing I know beyond shadow of doubt is that I do not want to lay my head on your pillow and make believe you love me one more time. 

We fell in love, despite our differences; and once we did, something sublime was created. I would loathe for it to die because I did not have the strength to rip myself off that seat. 

Perhaps peculiar to many, but for those struggling with depression, the perspective of swimming in a sea of despair is a comforting zone. Opportunity doesn't knock twice, so I'm getting off at the next stop.

Journeys end when lovers meet

I find myself in a place where I don't know how tomorrow will be. I feel lost, but I am not lost. In fact, I am pursuing a path to tranquility.

The past six months have flown by in an instant, and yet I am exhausted from a ride in an emotional rollercoaster. I boarded a ship with a set destination, when suddenly my world has opened to a horison of perspective.

I feel more alive than ever, yet sinking seems to be a prerequisite to my understanding of greatness. And so I sink every day, bit by bit, fighting gravity at the same time. Understanding this just makes me wonder, should I stop resisting and let myself be taken away by tide?

It seems to me however, there is a fine line between losing grip of the harness of one's life and letting go of the petty details which destroy its essence.

When you came into my life, I learnt to enjoy the little things which make life truly precious. A simple touch, a conversation, and even sharing a dance in what seems to be a world without problems. Is that not the foundation of happiness?

In a society driven by the idea that knowledge is sustenance, one should not lose sight of the impeccable details hiding under the veil of everyday routine. Love is the pair of spectacles which makes one truly see.

Without love, we're all hanging by a thread. I understand the complexities of pursuing a career and defining who you are through the lens of a title gained from hard work and years of education, but at the end of the day, what positively enriches one's life: your work or the person you sleep with at night?

I recently found myself in a situation where I thought writing an article for a newspaper was one great thing that would enrich my life for all it's worth, when I was confronted with a scene where breathing was a struggle.

Love is the greatest thing and whomever thinks otherwise is a fool. Jobs and professional opportunities come and go; everything happens for a reason. Career is the accumulation of choices in a path of competence pursuit.

When you find someone who looks at you the way you want to be seen, whose lips shape your perspective of future, you don't let go. Not for a job or whatever qualification fulfils you ephemerally, you hold on to it with your teeth like there is no tomorrow.

Carpe diem, how much better it is to endure whatever it will be!

I wrote you a love letter the other day.

I believe it is the first writing of such kind that I have ever written. It felt exhilarating to put into words these feelings I have for you. I found it particularly difficult because my vocabulary does not include the words necessary to express what I wish to on a piece of paper. In fact, even if my knowledge of the English language was idealistically comprehensive, it would still be insufficient; and the reason for that is plainly simple.
My love for you is immeasurable.

I never thought I would meet anyone like you. Someone who looks at me the way I want to be seen. Someone with whom I can connect like we are confined in the same moment, away from time and space.
Your brain excites me. You inspire me to be.

I want you to know that you have shaped my life in a way I can never repay you. You arrived into my life when I needed you the most; you have picked me up and allowed me to fly.
Your nature is fundamentally essential to my understanding of humankind.

I know you are deeply fond of me, and that I have marked your life in a way that I will not be forgotten. We talked about our dreams and aspirations, we talked for hours in what seemed endless nights.

I wish that one day you will allow me to be your everything.

Your passion is what I love most about you. It is the absolute foundation of your nature, and the most essential aspect of your existence.
If one day we go our separate ways, and you have consumed your love for me, I want you to find strength in your passion.
Until then, you will always find strength in my affection.

A life lesson from my best friend

Everybody knows what cancer is, yet it remains so intangible to most of us. Cancer is that disease that you hear of all the time, but it never happens to you. You read about it in the paper, you hear it on the news, yet is so far away. I did a fundraiser for Marie Curie Cancer Care two years ago, and thought I understood a fraction of how devastating this disease is. I was terribly wrong. Shortly after, my granda was diagnosed with cancer and I remember how the air around me vanished leaving me breathless when I first heard. It's something you never understand fully, unless it happens to you. My granda, bless his soul, passed away before the cancer took over him and that was our short experience with this type of poisonous disease. Two days ago, I found out my dog has cancer and it's terminal - another breathless moment. No one saw it coming, and honestly, who would in a dog? But cancer spares no one. As much as I am obviously crushed about my sweet wee puppy getting sick, I do realise that human life is greater and more precious than that of a dog. But this is my dog, the being I love most in this world, my baby. At this point, I am dealing with a strong feeling of denial. But what annoys me the most, is that i don't get to go through denial, and all the other feelings until i reach acceptance. Because it all happened so fast, and the end is so near, there is so much pressure to accept it happening, that I cannot lose precious time denying the inevitable when I could make the most of this time left. I will go home in two weeks, and I will show that pure soul of fluffiness how much I love him, and that I will be there for him when it happens. Even though this dog is everything to me, there is nothing I can do to save him. And I did think about it. During the past nights I kept thinking of all the things I would gladly do or give up in exchange for a few more years for him. I realised I would do a shit load of things I would have never even considered before, but in the end, it doesn't even matter. I feel so useless in front of cancer. Bottom line, after two days of this nightmare I can't seem to wake up from, I can't even imagine the amount of pain and horror cancer patients and their families go through. Cancer is definitely the worst, most egregious horrible like-sucking disease in the world. And for those who have meet Lucky, a true warrior at heart and a fluffy ball of love on the outside - his destiny will not become meaningless. I am deeply sad because my dog doesn't get to die of old age, but I will take this as a life lesson and invest my time and resources into the care of those who have cancer. I don't have any more words... Lucky is the best dog one could ever dream of, compassionate and protective, and a dog who doesn't like mushrooms on his pizza.

hopelessly, helplessly and unconditionally in love.

tomorrow

What have I gotten myself into? I feel like the earth is running from under my feet. I cried when I realized she was right with what she said, and now I cry when I realize this is still uncertain. I know I am a dreamer, but for how long will I be dreaming until I’ll actually get to live it? I pictured so many scenes in my head, which I now feel are unlikely to materialize. Tomorrow might be all better, as it was just a couple of minutes ago, but then I wouldn’t know. Because I can’t picture tomorrow. I can picture the ‘sometime in the future’, but I have no idea how I’ll get through tomorrow. At the beginning I started on the idea that I’ll take it one day at the time, but there are moments like this when I wonder how tomorrow will be if I’m on my own again? I was always up for challenges, but what do you do when you feel overwhelmed by them? It’s not like quitting will make everything go back to normal – things have changed; loads. I have prioritized my thoughts in the morning because of these new circumstances and if feels wonderful right now, but how will it feel tomorrow?

toast and pancakes

Who could’ve predicted that something like this would happen to me? I didn’t expect it, I wasn’t looking for it, it just hit me. And now I’d like it to keep on touching me at least, but there’s this slightly impediment which is distance – literally. What is it that made two different people have a thing, regardless of so many issues that would normally act against them? But then again, the normality matter – I could debate it forever. I feel that there isn’t enough time during a day for me to miss him as much as I want. I’ve never felt more appreciated and fought for. Because I think this really makes the difference. All my life I’ve been looking for someone to want me and fight for me using “all necessary means” and I think this might be the case. Because I believe in dreams and I believe the impossible is possible, and because I found someone who believes in my dreams and fights for them – I am happy. After all this time of miserable happenings, I am happy. And it feels unbelievably great. This “thing” is like the perfect breakfast. Previously most of my breakfasts just meant coffee, but now I’ve developed this sudden interest in toast. And apparently pancakes are a big hit too, so toast, pancakes and coffee make the perfect “thing”.

poem

Time has passed and i have changed,
No more lust, now i'm engaged.
Memories of faded truth,
All so vivic in my youth.

Come to me and help me build,
Lovely dreams fed from your guilt.
Thus the craving for your love,
Never came from up above.

From your flesh i've learned desire,
All the time, you've been a liar.
The taste of you costed my soul -
I was blind, just like a mole.

Like a stroke you turned me numb,
Loving you was clearly wrong.

Spring euphoria and homosexuality

Yesterday I heard someone saying that ‘you go through life and you never tell people how much you care for them’ and I actually took a moment to think about that. People tend to often keep their feelings to themselves and miss the opportunity of something grand. But why this silence? Is it fear that keeps us from speaking out loud? If you think about it, feeling the feelings is the complicated part, speaking about them – that’s just words. Being able to discover what you feel for someone is much more difficult than telling them your feelings to their faces. Apparently nowadays, people are less afraid of feeling but deeply frightened of admitting that to somebody else than themselves.
I don’t argue that declaring eternal love takes guts, but that’s what we wore born to do. No one wants to be invisible and live a fade life, so why not take the risk and live the moment? Play it all or nothing? Like snails, we got used to living in the comfort of our shells and that only amplifies the pressure that the society puts on us. Living up to the urban myth that spring is the time to fall in love people begin to desperately search for a significant other. But what ever happened to falling in love regardless of time, age, circumstances and moreover, why people associate spring with butterflies in the stomach? Even this expression was born on spring time, because obviously there are no butterflies in the winter and thus we leave winter to creep into memory and look forward to the colors of love.
Which brings me to another thing: normality. Do you find yourself in normality when you break the love rules? And then again, what is normal in fact? Today I was involved in a discussion with my friends about relationships between people of the same sex. The course was going towards the perpetuation of the species, which automatically involves two people of opposite sex – but that is only because the structure of our body requires that. Love shouldn’t have a purpose, so everyone should be allowed to love whomever they want regardless of gender and other controversial factors like race, ethnicity or society class. But most important, people shouldn’t judge the choices of others.

2 months after

Two months ago I wrote about my heart being crushed, turned into pieces, spitted on and then thrown into the abyss. At that time, I got that anonymous comment saying that if I still care about “the guy” today, it means I really loved him. And I do care today, the same I did yesterday and two months ago and I’ll also care about him tomorrow and some time from now. What I wrote back then were words ripped out of my hurt heart and they don’t have the same meaning now, even though the feelings stayed the same. I now know I made some mistakes in the recent past, but not related to what I did, but to what I didn’t do. I have this constant feeling that I could have done so much more, but at present time, things are the way they are and I’ve reached the emotional level where I’m single and fabulous again.

Without any specific context or a crystal clear future, the love of my life told me he created the image of the ideal woman…in me.

18 and legal

i waited so many days for this moment to come that i haven't really got used to the fact that i actually turned 18. now, i can legally do all the things i used to do before, but without part of the excitement. i am happy. here is a list of things i desperately wanted to do soon after i turned 18 (things i couldn't do while younger):

• drive
• get tattooed
• donate blood
• fly unattended
• get a job

(to be continued)