There is zero doubt in my mind, I was born to realise something extraordinary.

Up until this summer, I was convinced my fate was to change the world; through law, or voluntary work, or something along those lines. I have always assumed my contribution will be manifested through the prism of the United Nations; thus my greatest dream was to work for the United Nations.

Now, having worked for the UN, I doubt myself. Not because my views have ever so slightly changed about the majestic nature of the institution; that belief still runs through my veins.

It is me who changed.

Having met the one person who made me feel less isolated - perhaps I should explain...

Last summer I failed myself in a way I can never redress. I knew I was sinking, told everyone I was sinking, nobody believed me but one person. And this person still believed in me until the very last moment.

However, part of me felt it is ok to fail, perhaps solely to prove to everyone else I was correct. I was surrounded by the highest of expectations, which in fact, I build for myself. No one ever pressured me to be more than I can be, to achieve more than I could aspire to; I challenged myself to be that person. And when I felt tired, and I needed help, nobody offered their help because they all knew I could do it.

It infuriated me. And it also saddened me to the point of despair.

It was truly comforting to meet someone who made me feel less isolated in my thoughts, as if I was not alone against the world. From that point onwards, I began to wonder whether my destiny isn't to be somebody for someone.

Perhaps I was born to be somebody extraordinary to another human being.

What is the point of living if not establishing meaningful relationships with other human beings? Career is superfluous and has an ephemeral satisfaction to it.

I have the capacity to be the most driven person I know, but what's the point of it? I am interested in more basic things, with a greater fulfilment level than any job can ever offer. Others say I lowered my expectations, while I think they contrary.

Why would you seek anything else in life other than love?

Sure, love does not pay your bills or bring you status, but one cannot take fortune or titles to their grave. We are born and then we die; and life is nothing but the accumulation of memories.

Perhaps I am mistaken in my beliefs, but I want my memories to be shaped by people who have themselves shaped my life in a manner I could never truly repay them. I do not seek status, though I am driven towards establishing one.

New Year's Resolution

Yes, just one. 

I will not pretend that 2015 is an entirely different moment in time where I can simply decide what to let go of from 2014, and what to adopt for the next twelve months. What I will do however, is chose to become a stronger person.

In my pursuit of greatness, I simply must be more adequately prepared to face whatever challenges I encounter. I have been indulgent enough to allow myself some time to be at the bottom of the sea, but the time has come for me to swim again. 

I feel the gargantuan weight of an ultimatum. I have been walking along the blade of a knife for months now, waiting to fall; for the first time since then, I feel I can jump off safely and carry on walking on solid ground. 

Simultaneously, it feels I am on a train ride and my stop is coming up next: I need to get off, or I'm stuck on the train to wherever it will take me. But somehow, I am glued to the seat. 

The only thing holding me back is fear. Perhaps ordinary, but I do not fear the unknown; I fear those things I know the taste of. 

And then again, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. What hasn't poisoned me, can only taste sweeter with every bite. 

Decision making has been troublesome for me during this time, but the one thing I know beyond shadow of doubt is that I do not want to lay my head on your pillow and make believe you love me one more time. 

We fell in love, despite our differences; and once we did, something sublime was created. I would loathe for it to die because I did not have the strength to rip myself off that seat. 

Perhaps peculiar to many, but for those struggling with depression, the perspective of swimming in a sea of despair is a comforting zone. Opportunity doesn't knock twice, so I'm getting off at the next stop.