tomorrow

What have I gotten myself into? I feel like the earth is running from under my feet. I cried when I realized she was right with what she said, and now I cry when I realize this is still uncertain. I know I am a dreamer, but for how long will I be dreaming until I’ll actually get to live it? I pictured so many scenes in my head, which I now feel are unlikely to materialize. Tomorrow might be all better, as it was just a couple of minutes ago, but then I wouldn’t know. Because I can’t picture tomorrow. I can picture the ‘sometime in the future’, but I have no idea how I’ll get through tomorrow. At the beginning I started on the idea that I’ll take it one day at the time, but there are moments like this when I wonder how tomorrow will be if I’m on my own again? I was always up for challenges, but what do you do when you feel overwhelmed by them? It’s not like quitting will make everything go back to normal – things have changed; loads. I have prioritized my thoughts in the morning because of these new circumstances and if feels wonderful right now, but how will it feel tomorrow?

toast and pancakes

Who could’ve predicted that something like this would happen to me? I didn’t expect it, I wasn’t looking for it, it just hit me. And now I’d like it to keep on touching me at least, but there’s this slightly impediment which is distance – literally. What is it that made two different people have a thing, regardless of so many issues that would normally act against them? But then again, the normality matter – I could debate it forever. I feel that there isn’t enough time during a day for me to miss him as much as I want. I’ve never felt more appreciated and fought for. Because I think this really makes the difference. All my life I’ve been looking for someone to want me and fight for me using “all necessary means” and I think this might be the case. Because I believe in dreams and I believe the impossible is possible, and because I found someone who believes in my dreams and fights for them – I am happy. After all this time of miserable happenings, I am happy. And it feels unbelievably great. This “thing” is like the perfect breakfast. Previously most of my breakfasts just meant coffee, but now I’ve developed this sudden interest in toast. And apparently pancakes are a big hit too, so toast, pancakes and coffee make the perfect “thing”.

poem

Time has passed and i have changed,
No more lust, now i'm engaged.
Memories of faded truth,
All so vivic in my youth.

Come to me and help me build,
Lovely dreams fed from your guilt.
Thus the craving for your love,
Never came from up above.

From your flesh i've learned desire,
All the time, you've been a liar.
The taste of you costed my soul -
I was blind, just like a mole.

Like a stroke you turned me numb,
Loving you was clearly wrong.

Spring euphoria and homosexuality

Yesterday I heard someone saying that ‘you go through life and you never tell people how much you care for them’ and I actually took a moment to think about that. People tend to often keep their feelings to themselves and miss the opportunity of something grand. But why this silence? Is it fear that keeps us from speaking out loud? If you think about it, feeling the feelings is the complicated part, speaking about them – that’s just words. Being able to discover what you feel for someone is much more difficult than telling them your feelings to their faces. Apparently nowadays, people are less afraid of feeling but deeply frightened of admitting that to somebody else than themselves.
I don’t argue that declaring eternal love takes guts, but that’s what we wore born to do. No one wants to be invisible and live a fade life, so why not take the risk and live the moment? Play it all or nothing? Like snails, we got used to living in the comfort of our shells and that only amplifies the pressure that the society puts on us. Living up to the urban myth that spring is the time to fall in love people begin to desperately search for a significant other. But what ever happened to falling in love regardless of time, age, circumstances and moreover, why people associate spring with butterflies in the stomach? Even this expression was born on spring time, because obviously there are no butterflies in the winter and thus we leave winter to creep into memory and look forward to the colors of love.
Which brings me to another thing: normality. Do you find yourself in normality when you break the love rules? And then again, what is normal in fact? Today I was involved in a discussion with my friends about relationships between people of the same sex. The course was going towards the perpetuation of the species, which automatically involves two people of opposite sex – but that is only because the structure of our body requires that. Love shouldn’t have a purpose, so everyone should be allowed to love whomever they want regardless of gender and other controversial factors like race, ethnicity or society class. But most important, people shouldn’t judge the choices of others.