Another day, another nightmare. I am tormented by thoughts of my subconscious.

They cut wounds like sharp knives to the flesh, and in the light of day all that is left is the pain.

Make no mistake, my skin is thick and can sustain. My fault is my brain, the root of this pain.

Perhaps I should stop these thoughts of anguish; tell them they're not welcomed anymore. But my gap is deeper than oceans, my lack is their sanctuary.

Clarity is what I have, and that must prevail. My brain at sunrise against that which reigns at dawn. Le roi est mort, vive le roi!

Essay in support of application, IE Business School

Every day I play a game of fortuity.

I live in a house I call my home, but veritably: home is a concept inherent in my presence. I belong nowhere.

I work where I can to ensure I float above the surface of the sea. I live modestly, but I seek greatness; oysters are a luxury, but so is freedom to me.

I like to fill my days with art. I read all sorts of things, from love poems to Russian biographies, and cricket compendiums. It seems gruesome to me that my augmentation of knowledge be limited by facets imposed by my professional pursuit. I paint to express ephemeral emotions, and I write to modulate conclusions from acerbic matters.

I am riveted by aspects of international law and I dedicate myself to it. No matter what flaws the international infrastructure may have at the present moment, they can only be curtailed by paramount concepts of law and by humanity itself, for hope lies always in the future. 

Leaving my parents' house in Romania at the age of eighteen was not a great risk; it was an adventure in all of its essence. The past five years in The Hague have thrust me into an array of situations, and consequently, although condensed time wise: I have tasted triumph and I have cried loss; I touched joy and I have sank in despair; I have crawled in poverty and bathed in wealth. I am ready to leave.

However, an activity which nurtures my personal development is running; and this activity started in The Hague. 

I do not run for the physical benefits of it, running gives me clarity of mind. When I lace up my shoes in the morning and set off on the cold pavement, I depart with a problem. Step by step, foot after foot, I forget about my surroundings and I run with the problem. I do not run away 

from it, nor do I run towards it; we run together. 

And in this isolated stretch of solitude I surrender myself to reality. I evaluate the many aspects of this problem in contradistinction to what I have conceived to be my values as well as what I seek to accomplish in my appetite for elation. At times, it becomes overwhelming; so I run faster. I endure physical pain over misery induced by my problem; I run to breakpoint.  It is only when I have stripped myself of fear and pain, that I can delineate my next step. 

I seek balance in an unbalanced lifestyle, where the hunger for joy could only be nourished by a leap in the dark. 

A letter to my beloved,

I will never find the right words to narrate this story to you, in a manner which can even slightly come close to dignify its essence. I took a great risk when I quit my job last year.

Working full time in the restaurant, I was finally walking on a solid foundation. In my first year of living in The Hague I struggled financially a great deal. But I desperately wanted this education, so I bore my hardship; I had imposed upon myself that it will all be worth it in the end. 

Between work and university however, there was hardly any time left for anything but sleep. And in the life of a law student, sleep represents elysium. When having established a lifestyle where I can balance these two in a way where not only did I cope, but progressively excelled in both, I decided to take on more responsibility for financial gain. My view was that, fastened in this situation until graduation, I may very well make the most of it and earn a steady income.

Thus by late last year, I had finally established income security. I enjoyed the privilege of affording to travel slightly, go out for meals sometimes, and spoil my parents at significant times, because in Romania they are perpetually struggling. Every day was the same: filled with endeavours, yet empty in its essence. 

Progressively, I sacrificed my personal unfolding as a human being for income prosperity in a path of academic pursuit. I am not wistful; I did what I had to do to survive when times were tough. And after that, I exhausted my situation for the better.

But, the past five years have passed by in an instant. One night after my shift, we sat on that bench and talked until dawn. I opened my eyes for the very first time: in a patterned lifestyle, I was functioning mechanically as if I was wearing a pair of blinkers. I had no interests, no hobbies, and no skills outside the realm of these two spheres I had immersed myself in.

I went home and wrote to you that morning; an amalgam of emotions rushed in an email I never sent. An email that vanished subsequently, together with my drive to thrive. But you sparked something irrefutable. I couldn't sleep for weeks, my brain was searching for a solution, but there was none; I was financially dependent, and paralyzed by fear of failure. Until one day. 

When I handed in my notice, on 17 November, I feared I would find myself the same place I was five years ago. I did not envision that it would result in the greatest endowment of all: time.

I have allowed myself the time I needed to finish my LL.B. dissertation; a piece which persuasively challenged the current framework of international criminal law in anticipation of future challenges imminently emerging, and my masterpiece. 

Also, I made time to feed my curiosity and shape what my interests are.

Doubtlessly, I'd like you to know that it was you who encouraged me to take this risk, and you who inspired me to be. 

Our encounters enthralled me with each occasion. We spoke about everything for hours, in what seemed endless nights. Slowly, you became a pillar to my foundation so I can effectively terminate an employment which dictated my way of living. And subsequently in this pillar, you have continued to challenge my foundation, infiltrated in every crack, until I built it stronger. What did not kill me, made me.  

Not only that, but you have searched with me, and inspired me to find this hobby which I enjoy; you embraced my art and inspired my paintings. In my newly discovered appetite, you have introduced me to literature. Inadvertently or cautiously orchestrated, your nature exhilarates my critical thinking.

Fundamentally however, you have nurtured my drive to pursue law in times when I neglected it. As a consequence, I earned the utmost privilege of addressing an audience of distinguished academics as well as judges of the International Court of Justice, at the Peace Palace in The Hague, and discuss with them the pronouncements of my LLB dissertation.

You believe in me. You told me on the bench that night, and now I see it in your mien. 

Now that I have chosen a path and found this programme which enthralls me, you chose to remain in that pillar, either fearlessly or in defiance of the potential impact it will have on you.

That night, I fell in love with you. And despite our profuse differences as partners, my feelings are not ephemeral. For life without you can never truly be whole, and my heart belongs to you wherever you are.

Yours,

R.

In light of the foregoing, quitting my job was indeed a time I took a great risk; writing this letter is another. But right now, I can only describe the outcome of the former.

Alice

Last night I dreamt we had a child; a little girl. She must've been 11 or so, she had long brown hair and olive oil skin. I cannot recount more than a small fragment of what my dream entailed, but we were visiting this city, and she walked around telling people that "We are friends, from Romania". She said that in the same way you'd imagine aliens coming to earth and introducing themselves to humans: "we. are. friends." - to you; treat us like we are humans, like all of you. It felt as if we were in a world still where being Romanian was not good enough; at least not as great as being English. But she seemed proud in some way; she had a fearless aura around her as she walked confidently on her feet holding my hand. We turned right going uphill on this paved road which was bordered by flowers to the right, and to my left you were walking. A step behind and to the middle of the road, as if - if anything were to happen - if we somehow slipped backwards or a car came driving by, you were there to protect.

And then we stopped on a bench by the sea; it was so hot. She and I were sat down and you were standing up facing us, telling a story. I couldn't hear the words in my dream, though your lips were moving. I could not hear anything for a moment, I just observed you with the sun shining from behind you. You looked like you were truly happy, if one can imagine that in a dream; the white tee shirt you wore contrasted so beautifully on your skin darkened by the sun in this city. I looked to my right, she was eating an ice cream; a cone with one white ice ball. Then I looked up again. You opened a bottle of sparkling water to drink from, but in the course of your story forgot about its fizziness and it splashed your face. We laughed. Her laughter pierced through that moment of absolute silence like lightning pierces air; so delicate yet mighty. You laughed with us too; you had not shaved for a day or so, and your dimples were showing, contouring your smile.

Then wiped your face with your forearm, and smiling, you bent over and kissed me on the lips. You looked me in the eyes and briefly laughed again. You then turned and stepped to the left and kissed her forehead; she was now eating her ice cream again. I woke up.

Life is too short for some

When you die, I will die too. I don't seek to live a long life, but one rich in adventures with some truly majestic moments. Embarking upon this journey, I'd hate to live every day as ordinary, for I have so little time.

I want us to be partners in this life, and parents to other humans; to teach them by example that life is precious and one should seek adventure even when it means bearing the costs; postulate forward that human relationships are the essence, and not acquisition of status.
One should desire the accumulation of knowledge for their own journey, and not stepping on the footsteps of a system. Because knowledge through education is the greatest gift one can award himself with. The only other one is freedom. To be free to dream with an untainted innocence, that cannot be taught - perhaps inherited.

Our children, we'll build them wings to fly and smile at them from the ground; when they fall, we'll make sure to catch them, no matter how high.

Our sanctuary will be as wide as it needs to be to nurture growth and development. We will build an indestructible nest to come home to, regardless of the challenges one faces every day. You and I, together we can build the future.

And when all that is established, I fear no death. For life without you can never truly be whole, and my heart belongs with you, wherever you are.

There is zero doubt in my mind, I was born to realise something extraordinary.

Up until this summer, I was convinced my fate was to change the world; through law, or voluntary work, or something along those lines. I have always assumed my contribution will be manifested through the prism of the United Nations; thus my greatest dream was to work for the United Nations.

Now, having worked for the UN, I doubt myself. Not because my views have ever so slightly changed about the majestic nature of the institution; that belief still runs through my veins.

It is me who changed.

Having met the one person who made me feel less isolated - perhaps I should explain...

Last summer I failed myself in a way I can never redress. I knew I was sinking, told everyone I was sinking, nobody believed me but one person. And this person still believed in me until the very last moment.

However, part of me felt it is ok to fail, perhaps solely to prove to everyone else I was correct. I was surrounded by the highest of expectations, which in fact, I build for myself. No one ever pressured me to be more than I can be, to achieve more than I could aspire to; I challenged myself to be that person. And when I felt tired, and I needed help, nobody offered their help because they all knew I could do it.

It infuriated me. And it also saddened me to the point of despair.

It was truly comforting to meet someone who made me feel less isolated in my thoughts, as if I was not alone against the world. From that point onwards, I began to wonder whether my destiny isn't to be somebody for someone.

Perhaps I was born to be somebody extraordinary to another human being.

What is the point of living if not establishing meaningful relationships with other human beings? Career is superfluous and has an ephemeral satisfaction to it.

I have the capacity to be the most driven person I know, but what's the point of it? I am interested in more basic things, with a greater fulfilment level than any job can ever offer. Others say I lowered my expectations, while I think they contrary.

Why would you seek anything else in life other than love?

Sure, love does not pay your bills or bring you status, but one cannot take fortune or titles to their grave. We are born and then we die; and life is nothing but the accumulation of memories.

Perhaps I am mistaken in my beliefs, but I want my memories to be shaped by people who have themselves shaped my life in a manner I could never truly repay them. I do not seek status, though I am driven towards establishing one.

New Year's Resolution

Yes, just one. 

I will not pretend that 2015 is an entirely different moment in time where I can simply decide what to let go of from 2014, and what to adopt for the next twelve months. What I will do however, is chose to become a stronger person.

In my pursuit of greatness, I simply must be more adequately prepared to face whatever challenges I encounter. I have been indulgent enough to allow myself some time to be at the bottom of the sea, but the time has come for me to swim again. 

I feel the gargantuan weight of an ultimatum. I have been walking along the blade of a knife for months now, waiting to fall; for the first time since then, I feel I can jump off safely and carry on walking on solid ground. 

Simultaneously, it feels I am on a train ride and my stop is coming up next: I need to get off, or I'm stuck on the train to wherever it will take me. But somehow, I am glued to the seat. 

The only thing holding me back is fear. Perhaps ordinary, but I do not fear the unknown; I fear those things I know the taste of. 

And then again, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. What hasn't poisoned me, can only taste sweeter with every bite. 

Decision making has been troublesome for me during this time, but the one thing I know beyond shadow of doubt is that I do not want to lay my head on your pillow and make believe you love me one more time. 

We fell in love, despite our differences; and once we did, something sublime was created. I would loathe for it to die because I did not have the strength to rip myself off that seat. 

Perhaps peculiar to many, but for those struggling with depression, the perspective of swimming in a sea of despair is a comforting zone. Opportunity doesn't knock twice, so I'm getting off at the next stop.

Journeys end when lovers meet

I find myself in a place where I don't know how tomorrow will be. I feel lost, but I am not lost. In fact, I am pursuing a path to tranquility.

The past six months have flown by in an instant, and yet I am exhausted from a ride in an emotional rollercoaster. I boarded a ship with a set destination, when suddenly my world has opened to a horison of perspective.

I feel more alive than ever, yet sinking seems to be a prerequisite to my understanding of greatness. And so I sink every day, bit by bit, fighting gravity at the same time. Understanding this just makes me wonder, should I stop resisting and let myself be taken away by tide?

It seems to me however, there is a fine line between losing grip of the harness of one's life and letting go of the petty details which destroy its essence.

When you came into my life, I learnt to enjoy the little things which make life truly precious. A simple touch, a conversation, and even sharing a dance in what seems to be a world without problems. Is that not the foundation of happiness?

In a society driven by the idea that knowledge is sustenance, one should not lose sight of the impeccable details hiding under the veil of everyday routine. Love is the pair of spectacles which makes one truly see.

Without love, we're all hanging by a thread. I understand the complexities of pursuing a career and defining who you are through the lens of a title gained from hard work and years of education, but at the end of the day, what positively enriches one's life: your work or the person you sleep with at night?

I recently found myself in a situation where I thought writing an article for a newspaper was one great thing that would enrich my life for all it's worth, when I was confronted with a scene where breathing was a struggle.

Love is the greatest thing and whomever thinks otherwise is a fool. Jobs and professional opportunities come and go; everything happens for a reason. Career is the accumulation of choices in a path of competence pursuit.

When you find someone who looks at you the way you want to be seen, whose lips shape your perspective of future, you don't let go. Not for a job or whatever qualification fulfils you ephemerally, you hold on to it with your teeth like there is no tomorrow.

Carpe diem, how much better it is to endure whatever it will be!

I wrote you a love letter the other day.

I believe it is the first writing of such kind that I have ever written. It felt exhilarating to put into words these feelings I have for you. I found it particularly difficult because my vocabulary does not include the words necessary to express what I wish to on a piece of paper. In fact, even if my knowledge of the English language was idealistically comprehensive, it would still be insufficient; and the reason for that is plainly simple.
My love for you is immeasurable.

I never thought I would meet anyone like you. Someone who looks at me the way I want to be seen. Someone with whom I can connect like we are confined in the same moment, away from time and space.
Your brain excites me. You inspire me to be.

I want you to know that you have shaped my life in a way I can never repay you. You arrived into my life when I needed you the most; you have picked me up and allowed me to fly.
Your nature is fundamentally essential to my understanding of humankind.

I know you are deeply fond of me, and that I have marked your life in a way that I will not be forgotten. We talked about our dreams and aspirations, we talked for hours in what seemed endless nights.

I wish that one day you will allow me to be your everything.

Your passion is what I love most about you. It is the absolute foundation of your nature, and the most essential aspect of your existence.
If one day we go our separate ways, and you have consumed your love for me, I want you to find strength in your passion.
Until then, you will always find strength in my affection.

A life lesson from my best friend

Everybody knows what cancer is, yet it remains so intangible to most of us. Cancer is that disease that you hear of all the time, but it never happens to you. You read about it in the paper, you hear it on the news, yet is so far away. I did a fundraiser for Marie Curie Cancer Care two years ago, and thought I understood a fraction of how devastating this disease is. I was terribly wrong. Shortly after, my granda was diagnosed with cancer and I remember how the air around me vanished leaving me breathless when I first heard. It's something you never understand fully, unless it happens to you. My granda, bless his soul, passed away before the cancer took over him and that was our short experience with this type of poisonous disease. Two days ago, I found out my dog has cancer and it's terminal - another breathless moment. No one saw it coming, and honestly, who would in a dog? But cancer spares no one. As much as I am obviously crushed about my sweet wee puppy getting sick, I do realise that human life is greater and more precious than that of a dog. But this is my dog, the being I love most in this world, my baby. At this point, I am dealing with a strong feeling of denial. But what annoys me the most, is that i don't get to go through denial, and all the other feelings until i reach acceptance. Because it all happened so fast, and the end is so near, there is so much pressure to accept it happening, that I cannot lose precious time denying the inevitable when I could make the most of this time left. I will go home in two weeks, and I will show that pure soul of fluffiness how much I love him, and that I will be there for him when it happens. Even though this dog is everything to me, there is nothing I can do to save him. And I did think about it. During the past nights I kept thinking of all the things I would gladly do or give up in exchange for a few more years for him. I realised I would do a shit load of things I would have never even considered before, but in the end, it doesn't even matter. I feel so useless in front of cancer. Bottom line, after two days of this nightmare I can't seem to wake up from, I can't even imagine the amount of pain and horror cancer patients and their families go through. Cancer is definitely the worst, most egregious horrible like-sucking disease in the world. And for those who have meet Lucky, a true warrior at heart and a fluffy ball of love on the outside - his destiny will not become meaningless. I am deeply sad because my dog doesn't get to die of old age, but I will take this as a life lesson and invest my time and resources into the care of those who have cancer. I don't have any more words... Lucky is the best dog one could ever dream of, compassionate and protective, and a dog who doesn't like mushrooms on his pizza.

hopelessly, helplessly and unconditionally in love.

tomorrow

What have I gotten myself into? I feel like the earth is running from under my feet. I cried when I realized she was right with what she said, and now I cry when I realize this is still uncertain. I know I am a dreamer, but for how long will I be dreaming until I’ll actually get to live it? I pictured so many scenes in my head, which I now feel are unlikely to materialize. Tomorrow might be all better, as it was just a couple of minutes ago, but then I wouldn’t know. Because I can’t picture tomorrow. I can picture the ‘sometime in the future’, but I have no idea how I’ll get through tomorrow. At the beginning I started on the idea that I’ll take it one day at the time, but there are moments like this when I wonder how tomorrow will be if I’m on my own again? I was always up for challenges, but what do you do when you feel overwhelmed by them? It’s not like quitting will make everything go back to normal – things have changed; loads. I have prioritized my thoughts in the morning because of these new circumstances and if feels wonderful right now, but how will it feel tomorrow?

toast and pancakes

Who could’ve predicted that something like this would happen to me? I didn’t expect it, I wasn’t looking for it, it just hit me. And now I’d like it to keep on touching me at least, but there’s this slightly impediment which is distance – literally. What is it that made two different people have a thing, regardless of so many issues that would normally act against them? But then again, the normality matter – I could debate it forever. I feel that there isn’t enough time during a day for me to miss him as much as I want. I’ve never felt more appreciated and fought for. Because I think this really makes the difference. All my life I’ve been looking for someone to want me and fight for me using “all necessary means” and I think this might be the case. Because I believe in dreams and I believe the impossible is possible, and because I found someone who believes in my dreams and fights for them – I am happy. After all this time of miserable happenings, I am happy. And it feels unbelievably great. This “thing” is like the perfect breakfast. Previously most of my breakfasts just meant coffee, but now I’ve developed this sudden interest in toast. And apparently pancakes are a big hit too, so toast, pancakes and coffee make the perfect “thing”.