hopelessly, helplessly and unconditionally in love.

tomorrow

What have I gotten myself into? I feel like the earth is running from under my feet. I cried when I realized she was right with what she said, and now I cry when I realize this is still uncertain. I know I am a dreamer, but for how long will I be dreaming until I’ll actually get to live it? I pictured so many scenes in my head, which I now feel are unlikely to materialize. Tomorrow might be all better, as it was just a couple of minutes ago, but then I wouldn’t know. Because I can’t picture tomorrow. I can picture the ‘sometime in the future’, but I have no idea how I’ll get through tomorrow. At the beginning I started on the idea that I’ll take it one day at the time, but there are moments like this when I wonder how tomorrow will be if I’m on my own again? I was always up for challenges, but what do you do when you feel overwhelmed by them? It’s not like quitting will make everything go back to normal – things have changed; loads. I have prioritized my thoughts in the morning because of these new circumstances and if feels wonderful right now, but how will it feel tomorrow?

toast and pancakes

Who could’ve predicted that something like this would happen to me? I didn’t expect it, I wasn’t looking for it, it just hit me. And now I’d like it to keep on touching me at least, but there’s this slightly impediment which is distance – literally. What is it that made two different people have a thing, regardless of so many issues that would normally act against them? But then again, the normality matter – I could debate it forever. I feel that there isn’t enough time during a day for me to miss him as much as I want. I’ve never felt more appreciated and fought for. Because I think this really makes the difference. All my life I’ve been looking for someone to want me and fight for me using “all necessary means” and I think this might be the case. Because I believe in dreams and I believe the impossible is possible, and because I found someone who believes in my dreams and fights for them – I am happy. After all this time of miserable happenings, I am happy. And it feels unbelievably great. This “thing” is like the perfect breakfast. Previously most of my breakfasts just meant coffee, but now I’ve developed this sudden interest in toast. And apparently pancakes are a big hit too, so toast, pancakes and coffee make the perfect “thing”.

poem

Time has passed and i have changed,
No more lust, now i'm engaged.
Memories of faded truth,
All so vivic in my youth.

Come to me and help me build,
Lovely dreams fed from your guilt.
Thus the craving for your love,
Never came from up above.

From your flesh i've learned desire,
All the time, you've been a liar.
The taste of you costed my soul -
I was blind, just like a mole.

Like a stroke you turned me numb,
Loving you was clearly wrong.

Spring euphoria and homosexuality

Yesterday I heard someone saying that ‘you go through life and you never tell people how much you care for them’ and I actually took a moment to think about that. People tend to often keep their feelings to themselves and miss the opportunity of something grand. But why this silence? Is it fear that keeps us from speaking out loud? If you think about it, feeling the feelings is the complicated part, speaking about them – that’s just words. Being able to discover what you feel for someone is much more difficult than telling them your feelings to their faces. Apparently nowadays, people are less afraid of feeling but deeply frightened of admitting that to somebody else than themselves.
I don’t argue that declaring eternal love takes guts, but that’s what we wore born to do. No one wants to be invisible and live a fade life, so why not take the risk and live the moment? Play it all or nothing? Like snails, we got used to living in the comfort of our shells and that only amplifies the pressure that the society puts on us. Living up to the urban myth that spring is the time to fall in love people begin to desperately search for a significant other. But what ever happened to falling in love regardless of time, age, circumstances and moreover, why people associate spring with butterflies in the stomach? Even this expression was born on spring time, because obviously there are no butterflies in the winter and thus we leave winter to creep into memory and look forward to the colors of love.
Which brings me to another thing: normality. Do you find yourself in normality when you break the love rules? And then again, what is normal in fact? Today I was involved in a discussion with my friends about relationships between people of the same sex. The course was going towards the perpetuation of the species, which automatically involves two people of opposite sex – but that is only because the structure of our body requires that. Love shouldn’t have a purpose, so everyone should be allowed to love whomever they want regardless of gender and other controversial factors like race, ethnicity or society class. But most important, people shouldn’t judge the choices of others.

2 months after

Two months ago I wrote about my heart being crushed, turned into pieces, spitted on and then thrown into the abyss. At that time, I got that anonymous comment saying that if I still care about “the guy” today, it means I really loved him. And I do care today, the same I did yesterday and two months ago and I’ll also care about him tomorrow and some time from now. What I wrote back then were words ripped out of my hurt heart and they don’t have the same meaning now, even though the feelings stayed the same. I now know I made some mistakes in the recent past, but not related to what I did, but to what I didn’t do. I have this constant feeling that I could have done so much more, but at present time, things are the way they are and I’ve reached the emotional level where I’m single and fabulous again.

Without any specific context or a crystal clear future, the love of my life told me he created the image of the ideal woman…in me.

18 and legal

i waited so many days for this moment to come that i haven't really got used to the fact that i actually turned 18. now, i can legally do all the things i used to do before, but without part of the excitement. i am happy. here is a list of things i desperately wanted to do soon after i turned 18 (things i couldn't do while younger):

• drive
• get tattooed
• donate blood
• fly unattended
• get a job

(to be continued)

Wishlist

since my 18th birthday is rapidly approaching, i think it's time to start wishing stuff. so this is what i want, dear parents, friends and acquaintances:

• nokia E72
  
• amor amor by cacharel
• charter of the united nations
• collins dictionary of law
• any CCR album (except from Creedence Clearwater Revival, Bayou Country and Green River)
• band Tshits (GNR, Beatles, AC/DC, Hendrix, or anything that's not Britney or Gaga)
• flight attendant outfit
  
• coffee mugs
• black slim tie (beatls style)
• retro broches
• huge world map
  
• vogue february issue
• air miles Tshirt
• leopard tights
• pearls/ sweet necklace
• 'up in the air' on dvd
• elvis presley(young)/ johnny depp (in "cry baby") poster
• love letters of great men, volume 1
  

(this is not finished. i will add some more items, when i get more ideas)

my life on FF

[This was supposed to be a bait-post, but because of a writers’ block and my standards, I had to rewrite it 4 times, before I liked the beginning and it has lost the original goal.]

I’ve put my life on fast forward and before I knew it, I realized I got dumped by everyone I cared about and I pushed away those who didn’t really interest me.
It took me almost 18 years to realize that in case you don’t get what you want, you have to look around and see what suits you, and if you don’t do that fast enough and choose a replacement, you end up loosing that too.
What I feel right now partly matches what Pascal said in philosophy: that happiness is a bunch of fragments and no one can have all of them. I bet that is why everyone is so miserable. Because people can’t settle with what they already have, they like to suffer and crave for all the things they are missing.
There is something incredibly sexy and appealing about the notion “incomplete”. Everything that is not complete has room for the new and the unknown. And this absence of boundaries is like a magnet for the ordinary.
I can’t say about myself that I am incomplete, but I am very much attracted by the term. I am more like believed to be complete, but turned out to be totally empty. I don’t think that is appealing, I find it rather disgusting. *That would explain a lot.
I don’t know if there is a key to this happiness, but I’d sure love to have it on my chain, next to my home keys. And since nothing is for free in this bloody world, I wonder what would I have to pay for just a couple of fragments of that happiness?

cardiac arrest. literally

I thought I had it all. I mean, it felt like I have everything, until it felt like I have nothing at all.
My whole life was going so well, I knew something bad was gonna happen. Still, I was just kidding and paying more attention with buses and crossing roads. Until they hit me; those words. “I fell in love with her” was nothing, compared to “are you insane? Of course I won’t go with you on holiday, what will my girlfriend say?” so I thought to myself: “it’s ok, he’s just kidding, we have something here. I don’t know what, but it’s something ours.” So I told him in an attempted joke: “ok, but that’s 4 months from now”. And he jumped right back at me with his forever charm, saying: “you bitch! Why don’t you want me to be with her for so long?”. And then I said something perfectly reasonable and lovely and became the best friend and confident again. But that was precisely when I drowned. As I swallowed his words like water, and lost my breath while speaking, my heart stopped beating.

love, sex and misfortune

Quote of the day: “I don’t have anything, if I don’t have you” – Axel Rose

How is it when you feel you have everything, but in fact you have nothing at all?

You are empty and miserable if you don’t have the one you care for next to you. You can have all material things you desired, you can be loved and appreciated by friends, your family may be caring, and your job may be great, but, if you don’t have your beloved to share all that with, you will be ungrateful and deserted.

Which is completely stupid, if you ask me. Why are made incomplete? Why do we need someone to fill a gap in our perfect lives? Why can’t we live alone and simple for all our lives?
“because no one wants to be alone” – such a cliché, it makes me wonder if there wasn’t a middle aged, almost bald and fat, lonely and disgusting woman that actually came up with this idea. People want to be alone, they just need someone by their side from time to time. Not the other way around like everybody claims. That’s wrong.

And let’s not misinterpret sex, with love. Because there is one thing to have wild, sweaty, unforgettable sex with someone, and other to have a relationship based on trust, communication and sex with someone. And it seems easier to just have the sex, so why stand up for the one you care for and take the risk of telling them it could be more when you can just lay back and enjoy it (if you know what I mean)?

I close my pleading.

St. Nicholas Day

Well, I don't even know where to start.
I want to remember the only Niclas in my life who made my last year's summer amazing.
Then I want to say happy birthday to my tesoro, Carla. I wish you all the best.
(This feels like thanksgiving, so I should proceed.)
I want to thank my parents for giving me sweets and money for sneakers, in St. Nicholas’ name.
Nevertheless, I want to thank my friend, Kate, for changing my elevating after talking to her.
Moreover, I want to thank my dog for still being here with me after all he’s been through.
I want to express my appreciation and love to all my friends that call me to check on me and see how I’ve been doing.
I’m having a really good day, I’ve already watched 2 versions of A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens and I think I can bear another one.
I still have to put all these clothes in the drawer and read something for school.
There are a lot of things pressing my chest and I fear of a lot more.
But still, I am feeling great.
I think I’m expecting a nervous breakdown.